mea culpa?

It is like looking into a mirror. When the fog clears, you see what you should have in the first place.

Sometimes, I thank my parents for being an excellent judge of their child’s character; like all parents, I suppose. It was a good thing that I don’t have an iota of training in any martial art. For when I get into a murderous rage, I’m sure that the “murderous” part would’ve been more than justified. Fortunately, my build being what it is and having no training in fighting, people have nothing to fear from me. Today, my rage earned Amey a few bops on his head. Why do I get pissed off at him so easily? Another story, another time. However, the discussion surrounding the bops cleared the fog on the glass for me.

The debate in the previous post spilled over into life, predictably. Lets take the least sticky points first, shall we?

Amey and I obviously differ on how to go about in this debate, even when we are on the same side. Maybe its because he has specifics while I’m content to address the issue at a general level. I guess the situation would have been reversed if the topic had been something related to Linux or programming. The only problem I have with his approach right now, is its potential to skew the debate – when you have specifics, it is easy to latch onto them and miss the main theme. The other thing about specifics is exceptions. Its very rare for a trend or a rule to exist without any exceptions. And these exceptions can be and are projected as counterpoints, by those who know they exist. Frustrating, to say the least.

The second contentious issue is “abuse”. I’m yet to understand what it means when referred to my blog, but in life, today’s head-bopping would be considered as “abuse”. Most of the debate pundits believe I “abuse” when I don’t have any points to debate. A pity really. And here I thought my beliefs were the results of rational thought processes and indisputable facts. I wonder how it was that I managed so long without “abusing” anyone. Funny. I remember taking part in engaging debates throughout my school years. I remember debating throughout my junior college. I can’t recall “abusing” anyone. Have my new debate partners – the pundits of debate – brought out something hidden in me or what? Any takers for the ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde’ theory? Or wait; have I picked the wrong people to debate with? You know, ‘the shades of brown’ theory?

And now we come to the opening shot of the argument. Obviously, when it comes to the reservations, I’m not neutral. I can’t be. I’m colored. I’m one of ‘them’ – those who have stepped over others’ heads. Watch me carefully – I’ll always try to do it again, no matter if I say I won’t from now on. No matter if I say I’m sick of being burdened with that knowledge of having jumped over the meritorious heads. How can you trust me? I’ve used the rules when they are on my side – rules as unfair as any that I deride. I know the ease now. What is to stop me when it comes to putting a check on the all-important category on so many forms in this nation? And here I was – expecting to be accepted and trusted as an equal when my entry itself was unequal. I simply am not.

That unequal entry can well be my downfall. It has been like a wish granted in a grotesquely twisted manner by some evil genie. Is the genie evil becuase I can’t live with the wish? Conscience is a bad thing. Specially when it is right and you seem to be… not wrong but not right either. Oh sure, I got a toehold, in a patently unfair, unequal manner. Oh, I never shortchanged the State whose rules gave me that toehold. I paid my dues full and square. But that entry? Like a phantom tied by an unfulfilled wish, that first entry won’t leave my side. I topped in Electronics, did I now? Well, someone else more deserving would surely have done that too, if I had not gobbled up the seat. I got into a premier institute, did I? Look at your dismal academics. Someone more deserving would have surely done better. You got a job thats independent of your academics, you say? Well, what gave you entry into the college where this company came head-hunting? And it will go on… always the first among unequals.

Having gained an unequal entry, I’ve lost my claim to be recognized as someone competent. Never mind I’m good at something. “Ethically”, I shouldn’t be here to do it in the first place, so competence simply doesn’t figure. I can’t demand competence from others either. For unlike me, they are here on their own guts. Its ok for them to be less than perfect. I’ve no right to demand anything from them.

This sounds familiar. India’s new pariah caste – those who have worked the system for reservations. Did I hear some protests about being “disowned by their nation”?

Where would I’ve been if I had not taken the genie’s wish? A normal HSC with PCM. A BSc Physics. Thats purely academic. Surely, my father would have had given me my machine sooner. That wouldn’t change. I would still be interested in computers and programming. I would have still preferred open source and my current skill-sets – PHP, MySQL, Linux, C++ – would have been my skills even then. If anything, I would have had more time to sharpen them. Maybe I wouldn’t be placed in a company that pays me top-dollar every month. But I’m damn sure I wouldn’t be job-hunting for long with my skills – I would have broken into the IT sector somehow.

Sometimes, you don’t like what you see. Do you hate the mirror now? Or do you hate what you see?

Either ways I would have ended up where I wanted to be. So what is different? That I have taken a path that is (for the thousandth time) unequal?

4 thoughts on “mea culpa?

  1. Varun

    Just a warning… bhute you have not seen this….

    “All people, except Bhim,Comment here at your own risk”.

    I would have myself not done that. But couldn’t risk a World War III happening during our submissions.

  2. rvbhute

    Say what? No, its nothing like that. This post is more like a message in a bottle. Go right ahead people, the comment form is at the bottom of this page.

  3. vidyadhar

    dude…
    one thing for sure…
    u have that guilt feeling…but hey tell u wat…
    no need to have it…
    coz for things that have gone cant be changed…
    and its not a crime at all…
    its just the rule which u used..whats wrong with that…
    as i have said it in my previous comment too..i dun care about reservations…i have accepted it as it is…
    dun worry…i know ur competence and i also know that u wudhv been where u are…but one thing still remains..why u dun study to earn those academics when u have potential…
    we all now wat u r capable of and may be u too know that…only thing is that u dun study…
    now atleast u will need to..coz otherwise ur job maybe in doldrums…

  4. Hrishikesh

    No one is questioning competence here…

    I accept to some extent that you have a problem showing the competence in the conventional test format, which is perfectly fine, because the real world does not care about that.

    But, I must also mention, that the real world isn’t college, and to get there you sometimes need to clear out of college. And the college only believes in the conventional format.

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